The Coach’s Wife and I went to the movies for the first time in about a year and graced the film The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey with our rare presence.  I am a huge fan of Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings films so I had high hopes for an amazing adventure.  And adventure was indeed on tap throughout the film.  And you know what else was on tap?  Beards.

One word to describe the film.  One word to describe the beards.  EPIC.

Of course, one has to expect that a film about dwarves is going to have its fair share of bearded faces.  Small, swarthy, bearded faces.  But kudos to the crew that designed the look of the dwarves in this film.  Amazing beard artistry.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Balin

Yes!  Gargantuan white beard!  That is the puffiest, fluffiest beard ever.  It’s like it floats on its own – hovering just above the chest. An opalescent beard blimp soaring to new heights of amazingness.

Bifur

Wow!  Look at that salt-and-pepper monstrosity! Each row of each braid alternating the salt with the pep.  Is that even possible in real life?  Probably not.  That’s why this is a fantasy movie, people.  A beard fantasy movie.

Bombur

Ginger tiiiiiiiiiiiime!  Look at this majestic imperial partial beard.  Look at that braid!  What is that?  Some giant red furry caterpillar draped across his chest?  It looks like some kind of Run DMC chain but instead of gold, it’s made of beard.  Someone, please rock this red caterpillar chain beard in real life.  Jack Passion, I’m looking at you, brother.

Dori

Woah, this situation is more complex than Israeli-Palestinian relations!  It’s like these braids and sleek loose hairs are each claiming Dori’s dome (of the rock) as their own.  The braids clearly claim the head as home, but it seems that the sleek hairs are sequestered to the beard area.  Until you see the little settlement of braids under his chin…

Nori

Look at this – his beard braids have to be shackled up in order to control their awesomeness!  It’s like a three-headed beast.  A Cerberus of beards.  What would happen should the restraints fail?  Utter bearded chaos.  Little whip-like braid ends flailing about in a whirlwind of hirsute fury!  (Oh, and don’t forget to take a closer look at that cowboy hat.  A little secret: it’s hair.)

Oin

Aww yeah.  Another fantastic graybeard.  I enjoy how it’s fuzzy to the max until you see the braids.  Looks like a little VO5 Hot Oil help did the trick there.  Against the backdrop of frizzy goodness stands a veritable caduceus twisting its way up from his chin to his nostrils.

There you have them.  What just might be the greatest beards known to modern cinema.  Yes, there were more dwarves, but disappointingly they sport less than majestic beards.  And, sadly, the main dwarf characters are not included here due to their relative beard tameness.  But, alas, bearded characters greatly outnumber bald-faced ones in the film.  And that makes The Hobbit worth your time and money.

Yeah, man!  That flower has a beard!

My mom was talking to me about bearded irises this early spring, and I was getting all pumped thinking about a flower with a beard.  She was like, “We have some in our yard.”  And I was like, “That’s awesome!  I wish I had such an amazing flower in my own yard.”

Well, lo and behold, this spring what flowers sprang up right next to my deck?  And all around the damn neighborhood?  BEARDED IRISES!!!  How had I not realized that I had such awesomeness growing in my own dang yard?

Now the picture above is not of my own bearded irises, nor of any in my ‘hood.  But I had to use it because it so perfectly captures why the flower earned its name.  I mean look at that beard hanging down – all purple and robust.  Makes you wonder what a man might look like with a purple petal beard like that.

Makes you wonder what Jimmy Smits might look like with a purple petal beard like that.

A Beard Coach reader graciously  sent me a link to a video on NFL.com that lists their top ten beards of all time.  I can’t embed it here, so take a moment and watch it HERE (opens in new window).

I’ve taken their top ten beards and put them in a bracket according to their ranking in the video.  Each round will get a week of voting here at the Beard Coach.  Voting for each round will run Sunday to Saturday.  Look for the first round to be up for voting this Sunday.

Spread the word… get your whole beard crew to vote.  Let’s see who has the greatest NFL beard according to actual beard aficionados!

Click the bracket below for a closer look.

Today, I’m proud to present a guest post on bearded metal artists by Beard Coach reader Michael Bashford.  If you would like to contribute an article to the Beard Coach, click the contact link above and let me know. – Coach Adam

My name is Michael, and I am a beard enthusiast from London, England.  I am also a heavy metal music fan. I recently came across Beardcoach.com and Coach Adam on You Tube and read the Beardifesto.  I sent him a message, and he asked me to write a guest post based on beards in metal music. So here is my top ten. Should any metal fans stumble across this (or maybe someone newly discovering metal) note that it is a representation of my favourite beards and not bands.

10. Jonathan Davis (Korn)

What I like with this facial hair is the fact that he has gone for the absolute minimum possible. Jonathan Davis is the vocalist for the band Korn who are often described as the pioneers of what is known as the Nu-metal genre.

9. Adam Dutkiewicz (Killswitch Engage, Times of Grace)

Ok, so maybe this isn’t technically a BEARD but it is facial hair, and those are some epic sideburns he’s sporting! Adam is a guitar player in the bands Killswitch Engage (KSE) and Times of Grace. Originally he was the KSE drummer but moved to guitar when they wrote the album Alive or Just Breathing which featured a two guitar sound, so they recruited a new drummer. KSE are referred to as the pioneers of the Metalcore genre. Times of Grace were formed by Adam and the original KSE vocalist Jesse Leach (also featured on the list).

8. Lemmy (Motörhead)

I like this beard as it’s a good example of the handlebar style. This band and man needs no introduction really, everyone knows the classic Ace of Spades! (Unless you’re really young or you’ve been living under a rock, which would probably suggest you’re not reading this anyway. I myself have never come across a wireless rock or a bearded toddler). Motörhead are a British heavy metal band formed in 1975, although Lemmy does not like this label. He classes Motörhead as a rock and roll band, usually opening live shows with the line “We are Motörhead. We play rock and roll.”

7. Jon Howard (Threat Signal, Arkaea)

The thing I love about this style is it’s just that! Stylish! This man has talent and style seeping from every pore. He is Threat Signal and Arkaea’s vocalist. I could write a whole essay on the reason why I love Threat Signal and Arkaea for that matter. Threat Signal is a Canadian metal band probably best described as a melodic death/thrash metal band. They started their career with the song Rational Eyes which they wrote before they were even a fully formed band and put it on a website known as Garageband.com and the rest is history. Jon Howard and bassist Pat Kavanagh later created Arkaea along with Fear Factory members Raymond Herrera and Christian Olde Wolbers

6. Jesse Leach (KSE, The Empire Shall Fall, Times of Grace)

I love Jesse’s beard because of its length and shape. Jesse was the original vocalist for KSE before he left in 2002 and was replaced by Howard Jones. Jesse’s lyrics are very strong in the sense that he says that we should be honest and question and challenge those around us who might try to cause us harm or create chaos.

5. Kerry King (Slayer)

Kerry king is metal personified! He is one of the guitarists for the thrash metal band Slayer. Although thrash was made popular by the band Metallica, Slayer are top of their class. I like this beard as its the classic goatee style but styled in a way you would expect from a character in a fantasy novel! The bands are known for their lyrics of war, death, and against religion.

4. Shavo Odadjian (System of a Down)

Although similar to the style of number five, he has gone for a longer, thinner style. He is the bass player and backing vocalist for System of a Down (SOAD). SOAD’s early work feels very experimental and unique. A lot of their lyrics are based around the corruption of governments and how we should stand against them and question them.

3. Dimebag Darrell (Pantera, Damageplan)

This style is a very unique, almost demonic style; I like it because of its originality. Two-tone beard that he’s clearly used a hairstyle product on. Dimebag is one of the most influential guitarists of his time. He was famously known for recording his guitars without a metronome or ‘click-track’. After Pantera split he then went on to form Damageplan with his drummer brother Vinnie Paul (also in Pantera). Sadly, a crazed Pantera fan who blamed Dimebag for Pantera’s splitting up jumped on stage at a Damageplan show and murdered Dimebag and other arena staff members (R.I.P). Pantera is considered one of metal’s greatest and most influential bands.

2. Johan Hegg (Amon Amarth)

EPIC. VIKING. BEARD! Enough said! Johan is the vocalist for Amon Amarth. Amon Amarth are often described as a Viking metal band but this isn’t accurate; they are a melodic death metal band with Viking lyrical content (bands are defined by their sound not their lyrical content). This, coupled with the fact that they have a really epic atmospheric sound, makes them unique.

1. Chad Gray (Mudvayne, Hell Yeah)

And so we reach number 1 in the top ten beards in metal. This is my number 1 because it is so unique, outlandish and very…… well, blue. Chad is the vocalist for both Mudvayne and Hell Yeah and occasionally performs with gothic styled makeup such as this. He also has an amazing vocal range from clean singing to low growling vocals.

So that concludes my top ten beards in metal music. Before I go I’d just like to show you one more beard.

This is me (right) at a gig where I met Jon Howard (#7 on the list) when his band Threat Signal were playing in London and some friends and I went to see them.

Thanks for reading,

Michael Bashford

Brett Keisel, you’re doing it right.

Here’s a great article from the NY times about what may be the greatest NFL beard ever.  They even interviewed my good acquaintance, World Beard Champion Jack Passion.

Read about the Super Beard here.