Happy birthday to you – Happy birthday to you – Happy biiiiiirthday, dear Beard. Happy birthday to you!
Beard, you’re ten years old today! Ten years old! You’re no longer a small child beard, but you haven’t yet gotten to the strange pre-teen stage where angst and drama could begin to burst forth at any moment. Nope, you’re comfortable with who you are and you know what you like.
You like staying pretty long, but not epic length. Just long enough for people to notice you and wonder, “Where are that hipster’s horn-rimmed glasses? And why isn’t he wearing chukkas? Maybe his anchor tattoo is covered up by his sleeve.”
You like waving in a good strong breeze. Like a noble flag. Made of hair.
You like taking a dip in the water in the summer so that the air can cool my face in the most refreshing way.
Occasionally you get a wild hair (see what I did there!) to be trimmed close to my face. Only for you to hear my wife accost me for harming you. Even though you asked for it.
We have so much fun together, Beard! Remember these classic moments?
- Losing that pie eating contest, but looking so awesome when we were done that everyone wanted our picture
- Road tripping in the Florida Keys. Just you and me and Albert, the ‘82 diesel Benz.
- Being so majestic-looking at my wedding that the photographer used our photos as his promotional materials for a while.
The list could go on. But you know that. You’re my beard!
Deciding to grow you way back when was such a simple yet life-changing event. I’d grown beards before only to tire of them. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for the responsibility, the expectations placed upon the Bearded. Finally at the age of 26, I grew you, and rather than shirk the new demands to represent the epitome of manliness and exile you to the sink in a dismal mass of shaving cream and stubble, I chose to keep you, Beard. And I’m a better man for it.
Happy tenth birthday, buddy. Here’s to the next ten.
The Coach’s Wife and I went to the movies for the first time in about a year and graced the film The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey with our rare presence. I am a huge fan of Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings films so I had high hopes for an amazing adventure. And adventure was indeed on tap throughout the film. And you know what else was on tap? Beards.
One word to describe the film. One word to describe the beards. EPIC.
Of course, one has to expect that a film about dwarves is going to have its fair share of bearded faces. Small, swarthy, bearded faces. But kudos to the crew that designed the look of the dwarves in this film. Amazing beard artistry. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
Yes! Gargantuan white beard! That is the puffiest, fluffiest beard ever. It’s like it floats on its own – hovering just above the chest. An opalescent beard blimp soaring to new heights of amazingness.
Wow! Look at that salt-and-pepper monstrosity! Each row of each braid alternating the salt with the pep. Is that even possible in real life? Probably not. That’s why this is a fantasy movie, people. A beard fantasy movie.
Ginger tiiiiiiiiiiiime! Look at this majestic imperial partial beard. Look at that braid! What is that? Some giant red furry caterpillar draped across his chest? It looks like some kind of Run DMC chain but instead of gold, it’s made of beard. Someone, please rock this red caterpillar chain beard in real life. Jack Passion, I’m looking at you, brother.
Woah, this situation is more complex than Israeli-Palestinian relations! It’s like these braids and sleek loose hairs are each claiming Dori’s dome (of the rock) as their own. The braids clearly claim the head as home, but it seems that the sleek hairs are sequestered to the beard area. Until you see the little settlement of braids under his chin…
Look at this – his beard braids have to be shackled up in order to control their awesomeness! It’s like a three-headed beast. A Cerberus of beards. What would happen should the restraints fail? Utter bearded chaos. Little whip-like braid ends flailing about in a whirlwind of hirsute fury! (Oh, and don’t forget to take a closer look at that cowboy hat. A little secret: it’s hair.)
Aww yeah. Another fantastic graybeard. I enjoy how it’s fuzzy to the max until you see the braids. Looks like a little VO5 Hot Oil help did the trick there. Against the backdrop of frizzy goodness stands a veritable caduceus twisting its way up from his chin to his nostrils.
There you have them. What just might be the greatest beards known to modern cinema. Yes, there were more dwarves, but disappointingly they sport less than majestic beards. And, sadly, the main dwarf characters are not included here due to their relative beard tameness. But, alas, bearded characters greatly outnumber bald-faced ones in the film. And that makes The Hobbit worth your time and money.
You know how you get all caught up in remodeling your bathroom and then all of a sudden it’s your daughter’s first birthday and then all of a sudden school is starting and you have to teach math to increased class sizes and then you crank out workdays like a boss and use your weekends for family fun and then you remember your beard website that you haven’t updated in months and then you check Google Analytics and see that an article was on Reddit and about 19000 people were at your page in one day and then you check your current traffic and like 1000 people a day are checking out your site and you check your website email address and people have been using the contact form and they’re like, “I can’t help but notice you haven’t posted in quite a while.”
Yeah. It’s probably time to get back into beard blogging. Welcome back to the Internet, Me!
Sad news for the beard community today. I received an email from my hosting service that I had a database that exceeded the size limit laid out in their Terms of Service.
They wanted to shut down the Beard Coach!!!
So I logged in to see what database was causing all the ruckus. Turns out it was the one for the BeardWiki. It had grown to be ginormous without my knowledge. So I deleted it, thus destroying what I thought was a great idea at the time.
“But wait, Coach Adam,” you say, “That’s so much beard knowledge! You can’t just delete that!”
If only that were the case my friend. You see, the wiki was not the repository of beard knowledge that I had hoped it would become. Sure, one or two people were able to create some pages, and for that I’m am ever grateful. But sadly, the dreaded Indian Paid Poster caught wind of the BeardWiki and filled it with spam for Indian dating services and prescription med sites. The BeardWiki was like some unsuspecting samosa waiting to be filled with deliciously seasoned spinach and potatoes only to find itself crammed full of rancid paneer and dog shit.