If you don’t already recognize the man above, this is Hans Langseth, who grew the longest beard ever recorded at 18 feet 6 inches long.  The photo above was taken when he was 66 years old in 1912.  Hans lived a pretty normal farming life for the time outside of the fact he had a ginormous beard.  He passed away in 1927.

But what became of his beard???

I had never given the matter even the briefest thought, until my wife forwarded me this picture…

The photo’s caption read:

National Museum of Natural History physical anthropologists Lucille St. Hoyme (1924-2001), J. Lawrence Angel (1915-1986), and Thomas Dale Stewart (1901-1997) hold a seventeen and one half foot long beard found in a North Dakota attic.

What?  Found in a North Dakota attic?  At 17.5 feet, this pretty much had to be Langseth’s beard, but why would it’s magnificence be abandoned in an attic in North Dakota?  Maybe this story is too far fetched to be true…

A quick Googling turned up HansLangseth.com which provided the answers I was searching for.

A misconception is that his beard was only 17.5 feet long. When he passed away, his family (probably son Bill, to the displeasure of the other children) cut it, leaving about 12 inches of it on him when he was buried. The part that was removed was eventually given to the Smithsonian Institute where it was displayed to the public.

Ah ha!  So the glorious beard of King Whiskers did indeed find its resting place in the Smithsonian!  Although it may not have been “given” to the Smithsonian depending on whose story you believe.  The North Dakota reference holds up, as Hans died in Barney, ND.

Thanks be to Bill Langseth (probably) for having the foresight to avoid allowing this astounding relic to be buried forever.  You were the child who knew best.  Thanks for taking all the crap from your siblings about cutting your dead dad’s beard off.

My post on January 20th about beard length was a controversial one, and I knew it at the time I wrote it.  Thus, I was not surprised to find a rebuttal in my inbox shortly after posting it.  In the spirit of healthy debate, I present a counter-argument in favor of extreme beard length, written by Kai Longbeard.

Can a beard be too long? The answer is NO. Each man’s face is preprogrammed by his DNA for the perfect length beard, be it three inches or thirty feet. For those alpha males who can muster beards that measure in increments of feet, the trick is getting past the awkward stage, where the beard is no longer short or particularly long. At this stage it tends to look wild and scruffy  (between 2 and 6 inches). At this stage most men give up on their beards and kowtow to trimming or worse yet shave it off. Most lack the patience and/or the vision to see what magnificent beards await them should they allow their beards to grow to their fullest and longest potential.  Once a man has accrued some sizable length, on average two years of growth,  it is easy for him to continue his full natural beard to maximum length, a.k.a  terminal length.

As for Full Natural beards there are two distinctive types, the Free Spirit and the Rabbinical/Eastern Orthodox. Both are allowed to grow to terminal length without ever being cut or trimmed.

The Free Spirit is allowed to grow without guidance, cultivation or grooming. It is allowed to grow as big and as gnarly as one can get it. This style suggests a certain looseness, a laissez faire attitude towards life. This style has that certain beauty associated with the wildness of nature and is often associated with bikers and nature lovers.

The second type of Full Natural beard is the Rabbinical/Eastern Orthodox. The R/EO differs from the Free Spirit in that it is meticulously washed and carefully combed. Whereas the Free Spirit becomes entangled in the wind, The R/EO floats gossamer-like on the breeze. The R/EO is the most strokable beard and conveys an imposing image of sagacity. It is associated with clergy, dedicated scholars, and ascetics.

“Should a man allow himself he freedom to grow a full natural beard?”
Being biased towards long beards, my answer is yes. One can learn much from growing a very long beard. First and foremost is patience. One cannot grow a long beard in a moment of passion. It takes dedication, fortitude and time to grow a Full Natural beard. If one is patient one can gain an appreciation for all the subtle changes that a Full Natural beard goes through over a lifetime.

Growing a long beard, teaches one confidence. One cannot be shy with a Full Natural beard.  Long beard wearers stand out in a crowd. They are unique, dare I say, individualistic. As your beard progresses to impressive lengths you will be approached admiring and curious people. Occasionally you will have to stand up and defend your beard, but mostly you will receive compliments and questions.

Lastly, you will learn what it is that you are supposed to look like. Nature intended men to grow long beards. They would not continue to grow if we were not supposed to have them. Why spend time and money removing something that is going to grow back? Why fight against nature?  Become the true man you were intended to be and grow a full natural beard.

YOUR BEARD MY FRIEND IS WAY TOO LONG.
TO THAT I SAY, “I THINK YOU’RE WRONG.
EACH MAN IS GIVEN BY GOD’S GRACE
THE LENGTH THAT IS RIGHT FOR HIS FACE.
I GROW MY BEARD SO I CAN SEE
THE LENGTH GOD HAD IN MIND FOR ME.”

Read more of Longbeard’s poetry here.

People love to send me links to knitted beard hats.  Maybe you’ve seen these things…

Hilarious, right?  Yes, perhaps at first glance.  But let’s stop and think about this from a bearded man’s perspective.

Why would I want one of these things?  Why would I want to promote them?  Well, honestly, I don’t.  In fact, I probably shouldn’t have even written about them and given them further exposure, but I feel the need to clear the air about these creative little caps.

Here’s the deal.  If you are a grown man, you don’t need one of these things.  Here’s a two-step process you can follow to get this enviable look.

• Step 1: Grow a beard
• Step 2: Put on a hat

Poof!  You’re done!  Check it…

The bottom line is that unless you are a girl or a child, you should probably just imitate the winter look I’ve achieved.  No yarn necessary.