That’s right, folks.  The second annual Beard Team USA National Beard and Moustache Championships are coming.  This epic event will be held October 8, 2011, in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

It going to be an awesome weekend.  It all starts with a chance to “go Amish” and attend Amish camp on Thursday October 6.  You’ll live and work with the Amish, eschewing electricity and admiring their classic beards.  If an entire camp sounds intimidating, but you still want to chance to hobnob with the Amish, there is a Meet The Amish dinner on Friday night.  And if you don’t feel like giving up the modern lifestyle at all, there a brewery tour organized for Friday during which you will sample the great local beers that Lancaster County has to offer.  In addition to these great preliminary festivities, there will also be the First Annual Whiskerinas Ladies’ Beard and Moustache Competition.  Awesome?!

The main event kicks off with a Beard Parade at high noon on Saturday, followed by the competition at 1 pm.

Sunday promises the annual Beard Team USA meeting and picnic.

What a weekend, right?!  For more information on activities and competition categories or to register your beard to compete visit the Beard Team USA website. Did I mention the top prize is five thousand bills?

So I was sitting at a stop light this evening with my lovely pregnant wife in the car with me.  We were on the way home from sharing dinner with friends who had also bequeathed lots of great baby gear to us.  We were feeling great, having a little car snuggle and thinking about our baby on the way.

Suddenly I spot a large white SUV, possibly a GMC Yukon, laden with what appeared to be college-aged young women (not uncommon in Ann Arbor, a college town).  They were turning left from a main road onto the road where we were first in line to turn left onto the main road.  If you can picture that particular vehicular arrangement (USA driving rules, for my British and former British readers), you’ll realize that Sorority Yukon passed mere inches from my front driver’s-side bumper .

As the truckload of ladies navigated the turn and started to accelerate past I heard two words .

NICE BEEEEEEARD!!!

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My wife and I looked at each other.  What just happened?  It was like a bomb went off or something.  Were they serious?  Was it all in jest?  Who could tell from such a instantaneous interaction?

“Damn right it’s a nice beard,” I replied to my wife.

“It’s my beard,” she replied as she kissed me on the cheek.

My mind is currently filled with two main thoughts on the matter.  Number one, could those girls really have respected a good beard?  I saw a music video today (which rarely happens now that I’m in my thirties) with some hip-hop guy rapping on some rooftop and another guy singing an emotional refrain and banging on a piano.  Pretty standard stuff except for the fact that Piano Guy had a great beard!  Maybe beards are okay to younger people now.  Maybe my beard really was respected.

My second thought is… damn I hope my new daughter doesn’t end up riding around in some gargantuan truck with some other hot chicks (probably drunk on a Wednesday at 8 p.m.) disrespecting the robust beards of grown-ass men enjoying a car snuggle with their pregnant wives!  I’ll have to give her a talk about that in about 18 years…

If this doesn’t inspire you to grow a beard, something is wrong with you.

The World Beard and Moustache Championships were held in Trondheim, Norway two weekends ago.  I would have loved to attend, but number one, I had to work at my real job, and number two, getting to and staying in Norway is expensive!  I was thrilled to hear that Beard Team USA brought home six golds, one behind the overall winner Germany.  Now, it may not surprise you to hear it, but those Germans take their beard-growing very seriously.  In fact, they invented the WBMC, invented the categories, have hosted a great many of the competitions, and pretty much dominated the scene… until the last competition held in Anchorage, Alaska, in 2009.

The 2009 WBMC saw the Americans burst onto the scene with a whopping ten golds and the overall champion!  Home field advantage, maybe, but that rocked the beard competition scene something fierce!   We even topped the highly-competitive Full Natural category thanks to the eye-popping red beard of Jack Passion, whom I interviewed awhile back.

Our six golds this year broke down into three golds for beards/partial beards and three for moustaches.  Now, this being a beard-centric site, I’m the most excited about the beard victories.  Although I give a respectful tip of the hat to the dapper gents who won the moustache categories: Bruce Roe (Hungarian Moustache), Keith “Ghandi Jones” Haubrich (three-peat in the Freestyle Moustache), and Giovanni Dominice (Imperial Moustache).

Without further adieu, here are your beard winners this year!

John Myatt (Verdi Category) – Actually a silver medal winner, but I had to include that beard in this post.  I mean look at it!  So red!  The moustache… so curly!  This dude looks like some kind of leg-breaker from Gangs of New York.  John hails from the Northern Los Angles chapter of Beard Team USA.

Bill Mitchell (Partial Beard Freestyle) – Gold medal partial beard!  I’m not sweating the bald chin here.  The amazingness of the gray swirly sides more than make up for it.  I’ve noticed that gray beards do very well in competition.  If you’ve gone gray and never grown a beard, now is probably the time to start.  You may even find yourself competing in the 2013 championships!

Burke Kenny (Full Beard Styled Moustache) - That may be the longest moustache I’ve ever seen.  Burke is about to poke himself in the eyeballs with his own damn moustache!  Insane.  This beard was the 2007 category winner, but was overthrown in Anchorage.  Thank God this thing was restored to its rightful place among the mighty.

Rooty Lundvahl (Full Natural) – This picture comes to us from an alternate universe where Einstein had a giant beard.  Not really.  It’s actually Rooty (not Rudy, dammit) Lundvahl, the man who upset Jack Passion for the Full Natural title this year!  Like I said before, this is the hottest category at the WBMC, and the winner here really should be just as revered as the overall winner.  This is the award for those who can just let their beard do what it wants and use their talents to groom it into a thing of beauty.  No trimming, no styling.  Just pure unadulterated beard.  Congrats, Rooty!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

So what beard could best Rooty’s white stallion for the overall title?

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BLAM!

There’s a damn elk in his beard!  Say what?!!!   o_O

I recently received the following email via the contact link here at The Beard Coach.

I’ve been online dating and am scared to message a guy because in one of his
pictures he has a long goatee but no mustache. Please tell me what that may mean. He
is a doctor by profession and claims to love live music, he’s very athletic. Is this
beard normal or is this just some rocker look that he is going for?

I, of course, replied favorably and explained to this lady that a long goatee is nothing to be afraid of.  The crucial piece of info is that the guy loves live music.  He’s just a doctor that likes to cut loose and rock out when he’s not diagnosing Crone’s disease or gout.  Heck, even I used to wear the longish goatee and no moustache when I was a bassist back in the day.

When this lady mentioned a long goatee, this guy was the first person to pop into my head.

Scott Ian from Anthrax!  This dude is not just some part-time rock doctor.  He is a living thrash guitar legend.  But is he a nice guy if you met him online?  My friend Wikipedia says yes.  He is married to Meat Loaf’s daughter and is about to have a baby.  He’s a damn family man.  He’s also big into Battlestar Galactica, which makes him slightly nerdy as well.  Ladies, if you meet a guy who looks like this online, try to see past the long goatee and into his heart.

But, gentlemen, if you really want to avoid online dating confusion, just put a fully-bearded pic in your profile.  People know what to expect from the fully bearded.  There’s no ambiguity.  If a lady sees a full beard, she knows she’s getting a self-reliant, confident, deep-thinking man.  Try my advice and see if the contacts don’t start rolling in.

My post on January 20th about beard length was a controversial one, and I knew it at the time I wrote it.  Thus, I was not surprised to find a rebuttal in my inbox shortly after posting it.  In the spirit of healthy debate, I present a counter-argument in favor of extreme beard length, written by Kai Longbeard.

Can a beard be too long? The answer is NO. Each man’s face is preprogrammed by his DNA for the perfect length beard, be it three inches or thirty feet. For those alpha males who can muster beards that measure in increments of feet, the trick is getting past the awkward stage, where the beard is no longer short or particularly long. At this stage it tends to look wild and scruffy  (between 2 and 6 inches). At this stage most men give up on their beards and kowtow to trimming or worse yet shave it off. Most lack the patience and/or the vision to see what magnificent beards await them should they allow their beards to grow to their fullest and longest potential.  Once a man has accrued some sizable length, on average two years of growth,  it is easy for him to continue his full natural beard to maximum length, a.k.a  terminal length.

As for Full Natural beards there are two distinctive types, the Free Spirit and the Rabbinical/Eastern Orthodox. Both are allowed to grow to terminal length without ever being cut or trimmed.

The Free Spirit is allowed to grow without guidance, cultivation or grooming. It is allowed to grow as big and as gnarly as one can get it. This style suggests a certain looseness, a laissez faire attitude towards life. This style has that certain beauty associated with the wildness of nature and is often associated with bikers and nature lovers.

The second type of Full Natural beard is the Rabbinical/Eastern Orthodox. The R/EO differs from the Free Spirit in that it is meticulously washed and carefully combed. Whereas the Free Spirit becomes entangled in the wind, The R/EO floats gossamer-like on the breeze. The R/EO is the most strokable beard and conveys an imposing image of sagacity. It is associated with clergy, dedicated scholars, and ascetics.

“Should a man allow himself he freedom to grow a full natural beard?”
Being biased towards long beards, my answer is yes. One can learn much from growing a very long beard. First and foremost is patience. One cannot grow a long beard in a moment of passion. It takes dedication, fortitude and time to grow a Full Natural beard. If one is patient one can gain an appreciation for all the subtle changes that a Full Natural beard goes through over a lifetime.

Growing a long beard, teaches one confidence. One cannot be shy with a Full Natural beard.  Long beard wearers stand out in a crowd. They are unique, dare I say, individualistic. As your beard progresses to impressive lengths you will be approached admiring and curious people. Occasionally you will have to stand up and defend your beard, but mostly you will receive compliments and questions.

Lastly, you will learn what it is that you are supposed to look like. Nature intended men to grow long beards. They would not continue to grow if we were not supposed to have them. Why spend time and money removing something that is going to grow back? Why fight against nature?  Become the true man you were intended to be and grow a full natural beard.

YOUR BEARD MY FRIEND IS WAY TOO LONG.
TO THAT I SAY, “I THINK YOU’RE WRONG.
EACH MAN IS GIVEN BY GOD’S GRACE
THE LENGTH THAT IS RIGHT FOR HIS FACE.
I GROW MY BEARD SO I CAN SEE
THE LENGTH GOD HAD IN MIND FOR ME.”

Read more of Longbeard’s poetry here.