The Coach’s Wife and I went to the movies for the first time in about a year and graced the film The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey with our rare presence.  I am a huge fan of Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings films so I had high hopes for an amazing adventure.  And adventure was indeed on tap throughout the film.  And you know what else was on tap?  Beards.

One word to describe the film.  One word to describe the beards.  EPIC.

Of course, one has to expect that a film about dwarves is going to have its fair share of bearded faces.  Small, swarthy, bearded faces.  But kudos to the crew that designed the look of the dwarves in this film.  Amazing beard artistry.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Balin

Yes!  Gargantuan white beard!  That is the puffiest, fluffiest beard ever.  It’s like it floats on its own – hovering just above the chest. An opalescent beard blimp soaring to new heights of amazingness.

Bifur

Wow!  Look at that salt-and-pepper monstrosity! Each row of each braid alternating the salt with the pep.  Is that even possible in real life?  Probably not.  That’s why this is a fantasy movie, people.  A beard fantasy movie.

Bombur

Ginger tiiiiiiiiiiiime!  Look at this majestic imperial partial beard.  Look at that braid!  What is that?  Some giant red furry caterpillar draped across his chest?  It looks like some kind of Run DMC chain but instead of gold, it’s made of beard.  Someone, please rock this red caterpillar chain beard in real life.  Jack Passion, I’m looking at you, brother.

Dori

Woah, this situation is more complex than Israeli-Palestinian relations!  It’s like these braids and sleek loose hairs are each claiming Dori’s dome (of the rock) as their own.  The braids clearly claim the head as home, but it seems that the sleek hairs are sequestered to the beard area.  Until you see the little settlement of braids under his chin…

Nori

Look at this – his beard braids have to be shackled up in order to control their awesomeness!  It’s like a three-headed beast.  A Cerberus of beards.  What would happen should the restraints fail?  Utter bearded chaos.  Little whip-like braid ends flailing about in a whirlwind of hirsute fury!  (Oh, and don’t forget to take a closer look at that cowboy hat.  A little secret: it’s hair.)

Oin

Aww yeah.  Another fantastic graybeard.  I enjoy how it’s fuzzy to the max until you see the braids.  Looks like a little VO5 Hot Oil help did the trick there.  Against the backdrop of frizzy goodness stands a veritable caduceus twisting its way up from his chin to his nostrils.

There you have them.  What just might be the greatest beards known to modern cinema.  Yes, there were more dwarves, but disappointingly they sport less than majestic beards.  And, sadly, the main dwarf characters are not included here due to their relative beard tameness.  But, alas, bearded characters greatly outnumber bald-faced ones in the film.  And that makes The Hobbit worth your time and money.

Yeah, man!  That flower has a beard!

My mom was talking to me about bearded irises this early spring, and I was getting all pumped thinking about a flower with a beard.  She was like, “We have some in our yard.”  And I was like, “That’s awesome!  I wish I had such an amazing flower in my own yard.”

Well, lo and behold, this spring what flowers sprang up right next to my deck?  And all around the damn neighborhood?  BEARDED IRISES!!!  How had I not realized that I had such awesomeness growing in my own dang yard?

Now the picture above is not of my own bearded irises, nor of any in my ‘hood.  But I had to use it because it so perfectly captures why the flower earned its name.  I mean look at that beard hanging down – all purple and robust.  Makes you wonder what a man might look like with a purple petal beard like that.

Makes you wonder what Jimmy Smits might look like with a purple petal beard like that.

A Beard Coach reader graciously  sent me a link to a video on NFL.com that lists their top ten beards of all time.  I can’t embed it here, so take a moment and watch it HERE (opens in new window).

I’ve taken their top ten beards and put them in a bracket according to their ranking in the video.  Each round will get a week of voting here at the Beard Coach.  Voting for each round will run Sunday to Saturday.  Look for the first round to be up for voting this Sunday.

Spread the word… get your whole beard crew to vote.  Let’s see who has the greatest NFL beard according to actual beard aficionados!

Click the bracket below for a closer look.

Gentlemen, it’s time for the most useful Beard Coach post of the year.  Halloween has always been a time of tribulation for me as a bearded man.  It always takes hours of just sitting and thinking to come up with a decent costume idea.  Fortunately, I’ve done that thinking five times over just for you – just as I’ve done the previous two years (2009 ideas – 2010 ideas).

#1 The Most Interesting Man in the World

Items Needed:

• Black sport coat
• White button-up shirt
• Dark red pocket square
• Cigar
• Dos Equis (required)
• Mexican accent (required)
• Hair Gel (optional)
• Cornstarch (optional)

On Halloween you get to be anyone you want.  Why wouldn’t you want to be The Most Interesting Man in the World?  It’s guaranteed to be a hit with the ladies and the gents*.  The only drawback is that you are locked into drinking Dos Equis all evening.  I’ve never understood why a man of this caliber chooses cheap Mexican beer as his brew of choice.  But, hey, who am I to question The Most Interesting Man in the World?  I’m just The 112,678,986th Most Interesting Man in the World.

Note: If you are a younger bearded man, you’ll need to whiten your beard to achieve the look of having lived a full, enviable life.  To do it, simply comb some sticky hair gel into your beard and dust generously with cornstarch.

*Statement not actually guaranteed by The Beard Coach.

#2 Father Time

Items Needed:

• Black Hooded Robe
• Scythe
• Clock
• Sad-looking children (optional)

This one is for my readers with epic beards.  Competition-worthy beards.  Don’t even try this one unless your beard hits your belly at least.  Now, Father Time always pops up around New Year’s Eve, but he should really be included in the Halloween season.  The passing of time is some scary stuff when you think about it.  Each day brings us closer to our death.  Each second even.  Our lives ticking away… slowly dying.  And, hey, if you replace the Grim Reaper’s skull with an old bearded head, you get Father Time.  Here it is as a simple equation:  Grim Reaper – Skull + Old Bearded Head = Father Time

#3 Brian Wilson

Items Needed:

• Giants jersey
• Baseball pants
• Giants baseball cap
• Super dark black beard

No, not the Beach Boy, dummy!  You can dress up like him, but you’ll probably just end up looking like your obnoxious drunk uncle who wears Hawaiian shirts all the time.  We’re talking about the crazy-talking relief pitcher from the San Francisco Giants!   I probably should have added an outlandish personality to the “Items Needed” list because you’re going to have to say some off-the-wall stuff like telling people you’re a certified ninja because you took all the required ninja courses in 12 minutes in a dream.

#4 “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Items Needed:

• Neon cowboy hat
• Neon painted sunglasses
• Neon spandex shirt
• Neon spandex pants
• Neon jacket with a crapload of fringe
• Neon boots
• Long hair wig (if necessary)
• Slim Jim Beef Jerky (optional, nostalgic)

Oooooooooooo yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Pay homage to this year’s saddest loss, Randy Savage.  I cried a few neon tears when I heard about his death back in May.  This will be a tough one to pull off… that’s a lot of neon crap you’re going to have to find on eBay or somewhere.  Or maybe you could try to stock up on neon spray paint and paint a hat, jacket, boots, and shades.  For the spandex, I think, you’ll have to find the real deal.  You will win at Halloween if you can make this costume happen.

#5 Old Spice Sea Captain

Items Needed:

• Admiral costume
• Admiral’s hat
• Medals (lots)
• Gold sash
• Toy octopus
• Gold coins (fake)
• Old Spice deodorant (optional)

Costume pop culture reference, ahoy!  Beardos don’t have to settle for being a classic character, such as a wizard.  You too can have a hilarious costume based on a wacky television commercial!  You’ll probably have to shell out some of your own gold for the necessary items though.  If you want to go all the way, you’ll need to wear the Old Spice deodorant that this sea captain wears.  In fact, this costume is revolutionary in that you’ll even smell someone else.

Now tell me those costume ideas aren’t gold.  Hell, just pick one at random and you’re sure to win the costume contest at this year’s Halloween party.  Because you don’t have to don a cheap-looking fake beard.

(Note: all purchases made via the links above help support The Beard Coach at no cost to you!)

#10 – Bearded Dragon

Despite being named for a fire-breathing mythological creature, the bearded dragon has to take the bottom spot in the list.  Why, you ask?  Because his beard isn’t made of hair.   And hair beards are the only real beards.  The bearded dragon’s beard is like Velveeta.  It looks like cheese, smells like cheese, and sort of tastes like cheese.  But it ain’t cheese.  And this ain’t a beard.

#9 – Bearded Seal

We’re doing better here!  At least the bearded seal has real hair on his lip!  However, to call this a beard is grossly inaccurate. It’s obviously a moustache – and an outstanding one at that.  I’m going to go ahead and start calling this the Moustached Seal.  I don’t care what you say, biologists.

(Interesting fact: the technical name for these whiskers is vibrissae.  They are the same specialized hairs that your cat or dog wears on its face.  Your nose hairs also are considered vibrassae!)

#8 – Bearded Pig

Well, I think Moustached Pig would be a more appropriate name, but I can’t pick a fight with both seal biologists and pig biologists at the same time – so I guess I’ll let this one slide.  At second glance,  it does actually have some sideburns coming down from its ears and seems to be sporting a pretty righteous Imperial Partial Beard.  Except that this pig’s moustache grows over his nose rather than under it.  But I imagine that when one of these is charging you, you don’t point out these technicalities.

#7 – Ibex

Despite ranking at number seven on this list, the ibex ranks number one in the “awesome name” category.  And pretty much number one in the “horns” category.  And number one in the “standing on difficult terrain” category.  So it shouldn’t feel bad that its Scott Ian Anthrax beard didn’t rank so high.

#6 – Bison

Damn that is a big animal!  Which means that’s a pretty big beard.  It may look like a little goatee on him, but if you put that thing on a man’s face, it would probably be an award-winning Alaskan Whaler.  Too bad it has to wear that toupee on it’s head.  Just go bald gracefully, Bison.

(Possibly interesting note: I’ve touched a bison.  It was very coarse and wooly.  Like a mismanaged beard.)

#5 – Bearded Collie

I’m pretty sure this is the only “bearded” dog breed, and in fact its nickname is the “Beardie.”  I have to say that I’ve only heard that used in a derogatory fashion, as in, “Hey Beardie!  Why don’t you go trim your beard?!”  Good job, bearded collie, on putting a positive spin on that.  Reading through the AKC’s standards for the Beardie, it is clearly expected to have the same noble qualities as a bearded human – “The Bearded Collie is hardy and active, with an aura of strength and agility…the Bearded Collie is a devoted and intelligent member of the family… He is stable and self-confident, showing no signs of shyness or aggression. This is a natural and unspoiled breed.”  Indeed.

#4 – Schnauzer

Sorry, Bearded Collie, but the breed that pops into my head when I think of bearded dogs (which I do a lot) is the Schnauzer.  Plus its beard kind of kick’s your beard’s ass a little.  It nearly kicks my beard’s ass a little.  Plus, like a fountain drink, the Schnauzer comes in three sizes: miniature, standard, and giant.  Again, the AKC nails the standard for beards when it says the Schnauzer’s coat should be “tight, wiry, and as thick as possible.”

#3 – Bearded Emperor Tamarin

One look into his calculating eyes and at his elegant white beard is all that is needed to understand why this is the emperor of the tamarins.  His rise to power was not the result of sheer military strength – although he can most effectively quell tamarin rebellions when necessary.  No, this tamarin became emperor thanks to his superior diplomatic intelligence.  And when the subjects of the vast tamarin empire gaze upon their ruler’s image erected in their own tamarin village, they find peace in the quiet power that white beard represents.

#2 – Goat

If you ask someone to name a bearded animal (which I do a lot), what is the most frequently named species?  The goat, of course.  Not only that, but the goat is the only animal to have a beard style named after it.  Except for the Alaskan Whaler.  But the goatee is the more popular style by far, which gives the goat bragging rights over the Whaler (which has been the cause of a long-running and sometime bloody feud between the two).

#1 – Bearded Human

That’s WBMC World Champion Rooty Lundvahl sporting the greatest beard of the entire animal kingdom!  There’s just no way another animal can out-beard the species that created the concept of the beard.  You think a goat would have thought to call that hair on its chin a beard?  Maybe a “Baaaaaaaaaaa” – which sounds kind of like beard, but not quite.

Not only can humans grow the most luxurious and awe-inspiring beards on the planet, but we can also create top-ten lists about them and post those lists on the Internet, which we invented.  Take that, Bearded Dragon!  What are you going to do?  Run across the keyboard really fast?  Good luck getting your HTML syntax right.  Oh, and by the way, your beard’s not even hair.  Yeah, I said it.