I recently received this correspondence in my Beard Coach inbox:

My beard is not quite to that length that I can try yet, but it is fairly straight
and scraggly especially the ends. What effect will a curling iron have on coarser
hair? I am wondering if it would look OK?

Good question!  I say we start by turning to the history books for our answer.  Here’s a nice image of an Akkadian sculpture of Sargon, their greatest ruler.

Do you know your ancient history?  We’re talking about a culture that can claim title to establishing the first empire ever!  This beard style was not limited to the Akkadians, though.  You can find similar beard images from many early Mesopotamian cultures, such as the Sumerians, Babylonians, Assyrians, Arameans, and the Medians (pre-Persians).

If you look closely at the image above or many other ancient sculptures, you can see that the subject’s beard appears to be in ringlets.  One could hypothesize that it was easier to sculpt a curly beard, but I can’t reason that this was truly the case.  How hard would it have been to sculpt a straight beard?  Wouldn’t chiseling out ringlets be much more difficult than carving out straight textures?  Plus, look at the head hair of the sculpture above.  No detail whatsoever despite the fact that the majority of ancient Mesopotamians probably had curly hair.  Why only sculpt the beard as curled?  Because a man’s beard was purposefully curled, and because his beard was a more important cultural icon than the hair of the head.

There exists further proof that ancient men did indeed curl their beards.  Here’s an image of a set of ancient Egyptian bronze curling tongs.

Those things probably curled many a beard in their day.  Note the sharpened blade at the bottom.  Clearly this artifact was used to trim hair and also curl it when necessary.  A brilliant 2-in-1 device.

Ancient men curled, oiled, and perfumed their beards for centuries.  Many even braided theirs with gold fibers for festivals.  A man’s beard was something to be adorned and reveled in at special times of the year – much like the Christmas trees of the current Western holiday season.

This beard-celebrating tradition continued well into the peak of Greek culture.  The Greeks used heated tongs to curl their beards in the style illustrated below.

Sadly, the culture of long curled beards ended when Alexander the Great ordered that his soldiers be clean-shaven so that enemy soldiers would have fewer things to grab onto during battle.  Apparently this idea was valid seeing as how he conquered pretty much the entire known world at the time.  Too bad his soldiers looked like little boys.

Anyway, to directly answer the question, hell yes men can curl their beards!   In fact it may be time for all of us to start taking care and carefully styling our beards again.  I feel the beard gaining in popularity with mainstream people these days.  It’s time for we innovators to take the next step.  Shall we start to curl our beards?  Maybe perfume them?  Or even dust them with gold powder as our ancient bearded brethren did?

Gentlemen, it’s time for the most useful Beard Coach post of the year.  Halloween has always been a time of tribulation for me as a bearded man.  It always takes hours of just sitting and thinking to come up with a decent costume idea.  Fortunately, I’ve done that thinking five times over just for you – just as I’ve done the previous two years (2009 ideas – 2010 ideas).

#1 The Most Interesting Man in the World

Items Needed:

• Black sport coat
• White button-up shirt
• Dark red pocket square
• Cigar
• Dos Equis (required)
• Mexican accent (required)
• Hair Gel (optional)
• Cornstarch (optional)

On Halloween you get to be anyone you want.  Why wouldn’t you want to be The Most Interesting Man in the World?  It’s guaranteed to be a hit with the ladies and the gents*.  The only drawback is that you are locked into drinking Dos Equis all evening.  I’ve never understood why a man of this caliber chooses cheap Mexican beer as his brew of choice.  But, hey, who am I to question The Most Interesting Man in the World?  I’m just The 112,678,986th Most Interesting Man in the World.

Note: If you are a younger bearded man, you’ll need to whiten your beard to achieve the look of having lived a full, enviable life.  To do it, simply comb some sticky hair gel into your beard and dust generously with cornstarch.

*Statement not actually guaranteed by The Beard Coach.

#2 Father Time

Items Needed:

• Black Hooded Robe
• Scythe
• Clock
• Sad-looking children (optional)

This one is for my readers with epic beards.  Competition-worthy beards.  Don’t even try this one unless your beard hits your belly at least.  Now, Father Time always pops up around New Year’s Eve, but he should really be included in the Halloween season.  The passing of time is some scary stuff when you think about it.  Each day brings us closer to our death.  Each second even.  Our lives ticking away… slowly dying.  And, hey, if you replace the Grim Reaper’s skull with an old bearded head, you get Father Time.  Here it is as a simple equation:  Grim Reaper – Skull + Old Bearded Head = Father Time

#3 Brian Wilson

Items Needed:

• Giants jersey
• Baseball pants
• Giants baseball cap
• Super dark black beard

No, not the Beach Boy, dummy!  You can dress up like him, but you’ll probably just end up looking like your obnoxious drunk uncle who wears Hawaiian shirts all the time.  We’re talking about the crazy-talking relief pitcher from the San Francisco Giants!   I probably should have added an outlandish personality to the “Items Needed” list because you’re going to have to say some off-the-wall stuff like telling people you’re a certified ninja because you took all the required ninja courses in 12 minutes in a dream.

#4 “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Items Needed:

• Neon cowboy hat
• Neon painted sunglasses
• Neon spandex shirt
• Neon spandex pants
• Neon jacket with a crapload of fringe
• Neon boots
• Long hair wig (if necessary)
• Slim Jim Beef Jerky (optional, nostalgic)

Oooooooooooo yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Pay homage to this year’s saddest loss, Randy Savage.  I cried a few neon tears when I heard about his death back in May.  This will be a tough one to pull off… that’s a lot of neon crap you’re going to have to find on eBay or somewhere.  Or maybe you could try to stock up on neon spray paint and paint a hat, jacket, boots, and shades.  For the spandex, I think, you’ll have to find the real deal.  You will win at Halloween if you can make this costume happen.

#5 Old Spice Sea Captain

Items Needed:

• Admiral costume
• Admiral’s hat
• Medals (lots)
• Gold sash
• Toy octopus
• Gold coins (fake)
• Old Spice deodorant (optional)

Costume pop culture reference, ahoy!  Beardos don’t have to settle for being a classic character, such as a wizard.  You too can have a hilarious costume based on a wacky television commercial!  You’ll probably have to shell out some of your own gold for the necessary items though.  If you want to go all the way, you’ll need to wear the Old Spice deodorant that this sea captain wears.  In fact, this costume is revolutionary in that you’ll even smell someone else.

Now tell me those costume ideas aren’t gold.  Hell, just pick one at random and you’re sure to win the costume contest at this year’s Halloween party.  Because you don’t have to don a cheap-looking fake beard.

(Note: all purchases made via the links above help support The Beard Coach at no cost to you!)

People love to send me links to knitted beard hats.  Maybe you’ve seen these things…

Hilarious, right?  Yes, perhaps at first glance.  But let’s stop and think about this from a bearded man’s perspective.

Why would I want one of these things?  Why would I want to promote them?  Well, honestly, I don’t.  In fact, I probably shouldn’t have even written about them and given them further exposure, but I feel the need to clear the air about these creative little caps.

Here’s the deal.  If you are a grown man, you don’t need one of these things.  Here’s a two-step process you can follow to get this enviable look.

• Step 1: Grow a beard
• Step 2: Put on a hat

Poof!  You’re done!  Check it…

The bottom line is that unless you are a girl or a child, you should probably just imitate the winter look I’ve achieved.  No yarn necessary.

You would think that a guy that runs a website called The Beard Coach would be all for super long beards for everyone, wouldn’t you?  You would.  But you would be wrong.

Instead, my philosophy is that every guy should grow the perfect beard… for him.  I actually just finished an experiment in growing my beard out to the longest length that it’s ever been.  Here’s a picture from around Christmas, just before I trimmed my beard back a bit.

It was a pretty solid beard.  I definitely got compliments from other bearded guys on it.  But I noticed that as the beard grew longer and longer, the compliments started only to come from other bearded guys.  By the time this photo was snapped, the stream of admiring ladies and non-bearded men had dried up.  As a man whose lofty goal is to see a beard on nearly every male human face, I couldn’t allow myself and my beard to be favorable only to the bearded.  I’d be preaching to the choir, as they say.

In addition to the fact that my longer beard was hindering my job as beard ambassador, surprisingly, it didn’t feel quite right.  I didn’t feel like me.  Like all bearded men, I’m not one to closely follow every move of the herd.  I like that my beard sets me apart as a self-reliant free thinker.  But to grow a beard out to astounding lengths takes a person who is willing to completely swim upstream, and I tend just to cut across the stream every now and then.  That translates, for me, into a nice thick beard – too long for a clipper trim, but not wizard length.  I’ll let the religious sages, the bikers, and other fully counter-culture men have the glory of the extremely long beard.  I’m just not the man for it.  And that’s okay with me.

Maybe your perfect beard is easily handled by electric clippers.  Maybe you won’t feel right until your beard hits your knees.  Beard growth and self-knowledge go hand-in-hand.  To grow a great beard, you have to follow the ancient Greek saying, “Know thyself.”  So, gentlemen, do some deep soul searching.  Figure out just what type of man you are inside.  Then let the beard grow on the outside.