The ABCs of Beardedness

A is for Actualization – It’s all about realizing the beard you dream about.

B is for Beard – Of course it is!

C is for Clippers – Every bearded man needs a good set of electric clippers to keep his beard the desired length and to keep the edges neat and tidy.

D is for Daring – It takes a lot of guts to grow a beard in today’s society, especially in the professional realm.

E is for Eighteen Hundreds (1800’s) – This period of history is the most recent high point of beard culture.  This level of beard fanaticism is what we are trying to achieve today.

F is for Follicles – These holes of wonder are God’s little miracles.

G is for Garibaldi – A popular beard style named after Italian hero Giuseppe Garibaldi, it consists of a wide-bottomed, full beard no longer than 8 inches.  The mustache is not accentuated.

H is for Hirsute – A more refined way to say “hairy.”  Bearded men aren’t hairy; they are hirsute.

I is for Itchiness – This is what trips up many men as they try to grow out their beards.  It can only be overcome with extreme will power and ultimate beard desire… and of course with the help of The Beard Coach.

J is for Jesus – If a beard was good enough for the Son of God, it’s good enough for all of us.

K is for Klingon – If a beard is good enough for an evil race of warriors, it’s good enough for all of us.

L is for Lather – To wash that big burly beard, you’re going to need a lot of it.

M is for Manliness – The beard is the ultimate sign of this quality.  An ancient Greek saying states, “There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless—boys and women—and I am neither one.”

N is for Nazarite – This sect of ascetic Jews were bound by certain rules, one being that they must not cut the hairs of the head.  The face being located on the head, these guys grew long beards.  The Biblical hero Samson was a Nazarite.

O is for Orthodox Jews – It is quite common for Orthodox Jews to grow out their beards.  This is how many men with long beards are mistakenly classified, as either Jewish or Amish.

P is for Pogonophile – A pogonophile loves and/or studies beards.  Since you are still reading this list, you can consider yourself a pogonophile!

Q is for Queen Mary – Her reign from 1553 to 1558 marked another heyday for the beard.  This was especially noted among the members of the Catholic Church as they tried to rally themselves against the threat of Protestant reform.

R is for Regal – This is pretty much the best word to describe how you will look with your beard.

S is for Shears – Barbering shears are a must for maintaining your beard after it gets too long for the electric clippers.

T is for Trimming – Many people think that beards just grow themselves into shapely forms.  Not so!  Diligent trimming the beard to get the desired look is necessary!

U is for Upkeep – I cannot stress this enough.  A good beard requires upkeep, just like an attractive hedgerow.

V is for Verdi – Another famous beard style named for Giuseppe Verdi, the notable opera composer.  The Verdi is a rounded beard, shorter than the Garibaldi and with a pronounced, styled mustache.  By the way, why is it that both guys with beards named for then were named Giuseppe?  That’s weird.

W is for Whiskers – These little fellows team up to form your beard kind of like cells team up to make the whiskers.  Or like an ant colony that behaves as a superorganism.  Or like a pointillist painting.

X is for Xenophobia – Unfortunately, the fear of other cultures, particularly those in the Middle East prevents some men from growing a nice long beard.  That’s just dumb.

Y is for YOU – Yes, you!  You need a beard if you don’t have one!  If you do have a beard, you need a longer one!

Z is for Zohar – Not to be confused with Zohan, the Israeli commando-turned-hairdresser, the Zohar is the most important written work in Kaballah, or mystic Judaism.  Beards are deemed holy in the Zohar.  According to Wikipedia, the Zohar states that the “hairs of the beard symbolize channels of subconscious holy energy that flows from above to the human soul.”  Awesome!


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