#1: Papa Smurf
In addition to his snazzy red outfit, Papa Smurf also has a big white beard to identify himself as the leader of all the Smurfs. This begs the obvious question… do the other Smurfs shave? I can see them now, staggering out of bed in the morning, kind of hung-over from the raging Smurf party last night, a little stubble emerging from their blue skin. They all grab their wee little razors and perform the shaving ritual that Papa enforces on the to keep them in their place. They throw a bit of black coffee down their throats and pop out the door to put on the act for Papa that everything is smurfy.
We all know Bluto as Popeye’s brawny, bearded nemesis/friend. Lots of people when given the choice would rather hang out with Popeye, but not me. Bluto is that crazy friend who loves to buy everybody a round of shots whether they want them or not. He’s the guy that hogs the jukebox and usually fills it with pretty good songs but slips in Total Eclipse Of The Heart just to mess with everyone. By the end of the night Bluto is arguing with some frat boy about whether his girlfriend is fat or not and about to punch someone in the face. Hanging out with Popeye usually just turns into listening to him mumble incoherently while he texts Olive Oyl all night.
#3: Snow Job
The number one reason Snow Job was one of the best G.I. Joe characters was his giant red beard, always an awesome look. Not only that, this guy was an Olympian in the biathlon who joined the Joes only to get some more difficult training for the Olympics. The dude is so hardcore, his regular Olympic coach simply could not provide enough challenging workouts for him. So Snow Job took it upon himself to seek out better opportunities. And, really, what better way is there to train for the biathlon than by skiing in the Arctic to stop COBRA from obtaining the red crystal catalyst need to power the M.A.S.S. matter transference machine?
This kingly fellow was entrusted to take care of Lion-O, leader of the Thundercats, and to safeguard the Sword of Omens until Lion-O was old enough to wield it. Jaga demonstrated the true selflessness that all bearded men possess when he put all the young Thundercats into cryogenic hibernation on the journey to Third Earth even though there would be no open hibernation pod for himself. After his inevitable death, he also demonstrated how a beard grants its wearer the ability to remain on earth as a spectral being and provide wise guidance to those loved ones left behind. I’m looking forward to that!
#5: Groundskeeper Willie
Other than Comic Book Guy, Willie is the only bearded Simpsons regular. Could there be any greater contrast between two characters? CBG is a grotesquely obese cynic who only alienates himself further with his demeaning attitude toward others. Is there any doubt why his beard is portrayed as small and puny? On the other hand, Willy, with his rippling abs and dedication to his work, is the epitome of what bearded men strive to be. We bearded men also tend to enjoy living the hermit’s life in a shack.
#6: Captain Caveman
Come on, this dude is basically a walking beard! That is awesome! Not only that, but he can pull useful items from his beard hair at will, including his club which gives him the power of flight. Pretty advanced technology for a caveman. He is famous for his catch phrase, “Captain CAAAAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAAAN!” which is basically the equivalent of you walking down the street yelling your own name at the top of your lungs. Try it out this weekend. You’ll be an instant classic.
I’m sure there are more than six bearded cartoon characters. Use the comment section below to add your favorite!