coach beard

Beard Coach : Coach Beard

Wow. We have entered some bizarro world of reversal and deception. Coach Beard? Beard Coach? WTF is going on?!

I was minding my own business Googling myself on a weeknight (like we ALL do). Actually, a kid that I teach in my real life job mentioned seeing my beard on someone’s tumblr, so I was trying to figure out what was up with that. Because my tumblr presence is limited to my alter-ego as a stock trading cat. No beards whatsoever.

I was scrolling down Google Images and what do I see? “Congratulations, Coach Beard”

Who IS this Coach Beard?!

Is he truly the bizarro version of the Beard Coach?

Turns out that the answer is kind of yes.

The most obvious reversal, besides our names, is that Coach Beard has a sexy chocolate brown skin tone, whereas Beard Coach is a pasty pink piglet.

More importantly, Beard Coach wears some pretty robust facial hair year round. Coach Beard keeps it subtle with the barely-there groomed goatee. Maybe it’s the fact that Miami is sweltering much of the year and Beard Coach’s Michigan home is downright frosty for about five months.

Next up… Coach Beard is an elite athlete who played football at the University of Miami with the likes of Santana Moss. Hey, Beard Coach also played football! But no one was recruiting a 6-foot, 185 pound defensive end out of high school. So the similarity ends there. Instead of becoming an elite athlete in college, I ate a bag of Butter Lovers popcorn every weekday and drank a case of beer every weekend. That 185 pounds blew up to nearly 220, people. Thank goodness I rediscovered physical fitness post-college!

The differences seem to end there though. Coach Beard is a committed father to three kids. Beard Coach is devoted to his two. Coach Beard, as receivers coach for Miami, has worked to mentor young people, and Beard Coach works with youth everyday as a classroom teacher.

Sadly, Coach Beard was asked to leave the University of Miami football staff by incoming head coach Mark Richt. From what I’ve read, Coach Beard has taken this well and calmly accepts the reality in front of him. As a bearded man should. Beard Coach has faced the failure of many an entrepreneurial venture with calm resignation and moved on.

Coach Beard, Beard Coach wishes you the best of luck finding a new coaching position.  Take heart in the knowledge that you can’t keep a good (even slightly) bearded man down!


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