The Coach’s Wife and I went to the movies for the first time in about a year and graced the film The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey with our rare presence. I am a huge fan of Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings films so I had high hopes for an amazing adventure. And adventure was indeed on tap throughout the film. And you know what else was on tap? Beards.
One word to describe the film. One word to describe the beards. EPIC.
Of course, one has to expect that a film about dwarves is going to have its fair share of bearded faces. Small, swarthy, bearded faces. But kudos to the crew that designed the look of the dwarves in this film. Amazing beard artistry. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
Yes! Gargantuan white beard! That is the puffiest, fluffiest beard ever. It’s like it floats on its own – hovering just above the chest. An opalescent beard blimp soaring to new heights of amazingness.
Wow! Look at that salt-and-pepper monstrosity! Each row of each braid alternating the salt with the pep. Is that even possible in real life? Probably not. That’s why this is a fantasy movie, people. A beard fantasy movie.
Ginger tiiiiiiiiiiiime! Look at this majestic imperial partial beard. Look at that braid! What is that? Some giant red furry caterpillar draped across his chest? It looks like some kind of Run DMC chain but instead of gold, it’s made of beard. Someone, please rock this red caterpillar chain beard in real life. Jack Passion, I’m looking at you, brother.
Woah, this situation is more complex than Israeli-Palestinian relations! It’s like these braids and sleek loose hairs are each claiming Dori’s dome (of the rock) as their own. The braids clearly claim the head as home, but it seems that the sleek hairs are sequestered to the beard area. Until you see the little settlement of braids under his chin…
Look at this – his beard braids have to be shackled up in order to control their awesomeness! It’s like a three-headed beast. A Cerberus of beards. What would happen should the restraints fail? Utter bearded chaos. Little whip-like braid ends flailing about in a whirlwind of hirsute fury! (Oh, and don’t forget to take a closer look at that cowboy hat. A little secret: it’s hair.)
Aww yeah. Another fantastic graybeard. I enjoy how it’s fuzzy to the max until you see the braids. Looks like a little VO5 Hot Oil help did the trick there. Against the backdrop of frizzy goodness stands a veritable caduceus twisting its way up from his chin to his nostrils.
There you have them. What just might be the greatest beards known to modern cinema. Yes, there were more dwarves, but disappointingly they sport less than majestic beards. And, sadly, the main dwarf characters are not included here due to their relative beard tameness. But, alas, bearded characters greatly outnumber bald-faced ones in the film. And that makes The Hobbit worth your time and money.