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The Hobbit: An Unexpectedly Beardful Journey

hobbit dwarves poster

The Coach’s Wife and I went to the movies for the first time in about a year and graced the film The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey with our rare presence.  I am a huge fan of Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings films so I had high hopes for an amazing adventure.  And adventure was indeed on tap throughout the film.  And you know what else was on tap?  Beards.

One word to describe the film.  One word to describe the beards.  EPIC.

Of course, one has to expect that a film about dwarves is going to have its fair share of bearded faces.  Small, swarthy, bearded faces.  But kudos to the crew that designed the look of the dwarves in this film.  Amazing beard artistry.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Balin

balin hobbit

Yes!  Gargantuan white beard!  That is the puffiest, fluffiest beard ever.  It’s like it floats on its own – hovering just above the chest. An opalescent beard blimp soaring to new heights of amazingness.

Bifur

bifur hobbit dwarf

Wow!  Look at that salt-and-pepper monstrosity! Each row of each braid alternating the salt with the pep.  Is that even possible in real life?  Probably not.  That’s why this is a fantasy movie, people.  A beard fantasy movie.

Bombur

Bombur hobbit dwarf

Ginger tiiiiiiiiiiiime!  Look at this majestic imperial partial beard.  Look at that braid!  What is that?  Some giant red furry caterpillar draped across his chest?  It looks like some kind of Run DMC chain but instead of gold, it’s made of beard.  Someone, please rock this red caterpillar chain beard in real life.  Jack Passion, I’m looking at you, brother.

Dori

dori hobbit dwarf

Woah, this situation is more complex than Israeli-Palestinian relations!  It’s like these braids and sleek loose hairs are each claiming Dori’s dome (of the rock) as their own.  The braids clearly claim the head as home, but it seems that the sleek hairs are sequestered to the beard area.  Until you see the little settlement of braids under his chin…

Nori

nori hobbit dwarf

Look at this – his beard braids have to be shackled up in order to control their awesomeness!  It’s like a three-headed beast.  A Cerberus of beards.  What would happen should the restraints fail?  Utter bearded chaos.  Little whip-like braid ends flailing about in a whirlwind of hirsute fury!  (Oh, and don’t forget to take a closer look at that cowboy hat.  A little secret: it’s hair.)

Oin

oin hobbit dwarf

Aww yeah.  Another fantastic graybeard.  I enjoy how it’s fuzzy to the max until you see the braids.  Looks like a little VO5 Hot Oil help did the trick there.  Against the backdrop of frizzy goodness stands a veritable caduceus twisting its way up from his chin to his nostrils.

There you have them.  What just might be the greatest beards known to modern cinema.  Yes, there were more dwarves, but disappointingly they sport less than majestic beards.  And, sadly, the main dwarf characters are not included here due to their relative beard tameness.  But, alas, bearded characters greatly outnumber bald-faced ones in the film.  And that makes The Hobbit worth your time and money.

4 Comments

  • I notice your lack of updates in the last year. As a guy who is only now, at 35, attempting to grow something beyond my usual sexy scruff, I am depending on you to help so get with the beardy goodness, please.

    On that note, my wife has been watching The Voice lately and there are a couple guys on there with great beards. Check ‘em out!!

  • Dear Beardcoach,

    Im sorry for the rude comments. I left my computer on and my ignorant little brother went on and thought it would be funny to say tmakr thoae comments. I feel very bad and wanted to apologize for that. Sorry again Beardcoach.

  • cia fbi mcgee

    can you take this down this is the cia loser mcloser.

  • I was dissapointed by the number of bald-faced dwarves :(
    These dwarves have got some majestic beards indead