Gentlemen, it’s time for the most useful Beard Coach post of the year. Halloween has always been a time of tribulation for me as a bearded man. It always takes hours of just sitting and thinking to come up with a decent costume idea. Fortunately, I’ve done that thinking five times over just for you – just as I’ve done the previous two years (2009 ideas – 2010 ideas).
#1 The Most Interesting Man in the World
- Black sport coat
- White button-up shirt
- Dark red pocket square
- Dos Equis (required)
- Mexican accent (required)
- Hair Gel (optional)
- Cornstarch (optional)
On Halloween you get to be anyone you want. Why wouldn’t you want to be The Most Interesting Man in the World? It’s guaranteed to be a hit with the ladies and the gents*. The only drawback is that you are locked into drinking Dos Equis all evening. I’ve never understood why a man of this caliber chooses cheap Mexican beer as his brew of choice. But, hey, who am I to question The Most Interesting Man in the World? I’m just The 112,678,986th Most Interesting Man in the World.
Note: If you are a younger bearded man, you’ll need to whiten your beard to achieve the look of having lived a full, enviable life. To do it, simply comb some sticky hair gel into your beard and dust generously with cornstarch.
*Statement not actually guaranteed by The Beard Coach.
#2 Father Time
This one is for my readers with epic beards. Competition-worthy beards. Don’t even try this one unless your beard hits your belly at least. Now, Father Time always pops up around New Year’s Eve, but he should really be included in the Halloween season. The passing of time is some scary stuff when you think about it. Each day brings us closer to our death. Each second even. Our lives ticking away… slowly dying. And, hey, if you replace the Grim Reaper’s skull with an old bearded head, you get Father Time. Here it is as a simple equation: Grim Reaper – Skull + Old Bearded Head = Father Time
#3 Brian Wilson
No, not the Beach Boy, dummy! You can dress up like him, but you’ll probably just end up looking like your obnoxious drunk uncle who wears Hawaiian shirts all the time. We’re talking about the crazy-talking relief pitcher from the San Francisco Giants! I probably should have added an outlandish personality to the “Items Needed” list because you’re going to have to say some off-the-wall stuff like telling people you’re a certified ninja because you took all the required ninja courses in 12 minutes in a dream.
#4 “Macho Man” Randy Savage
- Neon cowboy hat
- Neon painted sunglasses
- Neon spandex shirt
- Neon spandex pants
- Neon jacket with a crapload of fringe
- Neon boots
- Long hair wig (if necessary)
- Slim Jim Beef Jerky (optional, nostalgic)
Oooooooooooo yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Pay homage to this year’s saddest loss, Randy Savage. I cried a few neon tears when I heard about his death back in May. This will be a tough one to pull off… that’s a lot of neon crap you’re going to have to find on eBay or somewhere. Or maybe you could try to stock up on neon spray paint and paint a hat, jacket, boots, and shades. For the spandex, I think, you’ll have to find the real deal. You will win at Halloween if you can make this costume happen.
#5 Old Spice Sea Captain
- Admiral costume
- Admiral’s hat
- Medals (lots)
- Gold sash
- Toy octopus
- Gold coins (fake)
- Old Spice deodorant (optional)
Costume pop culture reference, ahoy! Beardos don’t have to settle for being a classic character, such as a wizard. You too can have a hilarious costume based on a wacky television commercial! You’ll probably have to shell out some of your own gold for the necessary items though. If you want to go all the way, you’ll need to wear the Old Spice deodorant that this sea captain wears. In fact, this costume is revolutionary in that you’ll even smell someone else.
Now tell me those costume ideas aren’t gold. Hell, just pick one at random and you’re sure to win the costume contest at this year’s Halloween party. Because you don’t have to don a cheap-looking fake beard.
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