#10 – Bearded Dragon
Despite being named for a fire-breathing mythological creature, the bearded dragon has to take the bottom spot in the list. Why, you ask? Because his beard isn’t made of hair. And hair beards are the only real beards. The bearded dragon’s beard is like Velveeta. It looks like cheese, smells like cheese, and sort of tastes like cheese. But it ain’t cheese. And this ain’t a beard.
#9 – Bearded Seal
We’re doing better here! At least the bearded seal has real hair on his lip! However, to call this a beard is grossly inaccurate. It’s obviously a moustache – and an outstanding one at that. I’m going to go ahead and start calling this the Moustached Seal. I don’t care what you say, biologists.
(Interesting fact: the technical name for these whiskers is vibrissae. They are the same specialized hairs that your cat or dog wears on its face. Your nose hairs also are considered vibrassae!)
#8 – Bearded Pig
Well, I think Moustached Pig would be a more appropriate name, but I can’t pick a fight with both seal biologists and pig biologists at the same time – so I guess I’ll let this one slide. At second glance, it does actually have some sideburns coming down from its ears and seems to be sporting a pretty righteous Imperial Partial Beard. Except that this pig’s moustache grows over his nose rather than under it. But I imagine that when one of these is charging you, you don’t point out these technicalities.
#7 – Ibex
Despite ranking at number seven on this list, the ibex ranks number one in the “awesome name” category. And pretty much number one in the “horns” category. And number one in the “standing on difficult terrain” category. So it shouldn’t feel bad that its Scott Ian Anthrax beard didn’t rank so high.
#6 – Bison
Damn that is a big animal! Which means that’s a pretty big beard. It may look like a little goatee on him, but if you put that thing on a man’s face, it would probably be an award-winning Alaskan Whaler. Too bad it has to wear that toupee on it’s head. Just go bald gracefully, Bison.
(Possibly interesting note: I’ve touched a bison. It was very coarse and wooly. Like a mismanaged beard.)
#5 – Bearded Collie
I’m pretty sure this is the only “bearded” dog breed, and in fact its nickname is the “Beardie.” I have to say that I’ve only heard that used in a derogatory fashion, as in, “Hey Beardie! Why don’t you go trim your beard?!” Good job, bearded collie, on putting a positive spin on that. Reading through the AKC’s standards for the Beardie, it is clearly expected to have the same noble qualities as a bearded human – “The Bearded Collie is hardy and active, with an aura of strength and agility…the Bearded Collie is a devoted and intelligent member of the family… He is stable and self-confident, showing no signs of shyness or aggression. This is a natural and unspoiled breed.” Indeed.
#4 – Schnauzer
Sorry, Bearded Collie, but the breed that pops into my head when I think of bearded dogs (which I do a lot) is the Schnauzer. Plus its beard kind of kick’s your beard’s ass a little. It nearly kicks my beard’s ass a little. Plus, like a fountain drink, the Schnauzer comes in three sizes: miniature, standard, and giant. Again, the AKC nails the standard for beards when it says the Schnauzer’s coat should be “tight, wiry, and as thick as possible.”
#3 – Bearded Emperor Tamarin
One look into his calculating eyes and at his elegant white beard is all that is needed to understand why this is the emperor of the tamarins. His rise to power was not the result of sheer military strength – although he can most effectively quell tamarin rebellions when necessary. No, this tamarin became emperor thanks to his superior diplomatic intelligence. And when the subjects of the vast tamarin empire gaze upon their ruler’s image erected in their own tamarin village, they find peace in the quiet power that white beard represents.
#2 – Goat
If you ask someone to name a bearded animal (which I do a lot), what is the most frequently named species? The goat, of course. Not only that, but the goat is the only animal to have a beard style named after it. Except for the Alaskan Whaler. But the goatee is the more popular style by far, which gives the goat bragging rights over the Whaler (which has been the cause of a long-running and sometime bloody feud between the two).
#1 – Bearded Human
That’s WBMC World Champion Rooty Lundvahl sporting the greatest beard of the entire animal kingdom! There’s just no way another animal can out-beard the species that created the concept of the beard. You think a goat would have thought to call that hair on its chin a beard? Maybe a “Baaaaaaaaaaa” – which sounds kind of like beard, but not quite.
Not only can humans grow the most luxurious and awe-inspiring beards on the planet, but we can also create top-ten lists about them and post those lists on the Internet, which we invented. Take that, Bearded Dragon! What are you going to do? Run across the keyboard really fast? Good luck getting your HTML syntax right. Oh, and by the way, your beard’s not even hair. Yeah, I said it.