The Beard Coach

Let’s face it, bearded men, thinking up a great costume just isn’t as easy as it is for our non-bearded brethren.  Lots of hilarious celebrity ideas idea go out the window along with any current politician.  Masks are out… why hide that glorious beard you’ve worked so hard to grow and maintain?  As a result of my own personal frustrations, I’ve decided to create this list as a reference for future Halloweens.  In the brotherly spirit of the bearded community, I want to share it with all of you.

#1: Paul Bunyan

Items Needed:
Work Boots
Blue Jeans
Buffalo Plaid Flannel Shirt
Suspenders
Wool ski cap
Axe

This is a super easy one as most bearded guys have these items lying around anyway.  I know I do.  When I first thought of this idea, I was pretty excited until I looked in the mirror and realized I was already wearing the “costume” minus the suspenders, hat, and axe.
Note: Please don’t ask your wife to be Babe the Blue Ox.  Trust me on this one.

#2: Zeus/Socrates/Pythagoras

Items Needed:
White Sheet
Safety pins
Sandals
Cardboard lightning bolt if Zeus
Cup of hemlock poison (fake!) if Socrates
Cardboard right triangle if Pythagoras

Let’s hearken back to the glory days of beards… ancient Greece!  A sheet is not ideal toga material, but it will get the job done.  Just fold it so that it is only about 3 feet wide.  Then wrap the folded sheet around your waist 1.5 times, pin it together, and throw the rest over a shoulder.  Bring the material back down to the waist and pin it again.  Choose an accessory to make and get into character.  Smite people with your thunderbolt!  Pretend to poison thyself!  Teach people math!

#3: Gorton’s Fisherman

Items Needed:
Yellow vinyl rain suit
Sky blue scarf
Hair gel
Cornstarch

If you are okay giving Gorton’s some free advertising, this is another super easy costume.  Just wear whatever you want and wrap the scarf around your neck.  Put on the rain suit and you are good to go!  Now for the distinctive white beard.  If you have already attained a naturally white beard, you can ignore the following.  However, if you need a bit of help, just comb a small amount of hair gel into your beard and liberally dust it with cornstarch.  It would also be pretty great if you baked up a mess of fish sticks and gave them out to people instead of candy.

#4: Alan Garner – i.e. Zach Galifianakis’ character from The Hangover

Items Needed:
This T-Shirt
White Jeans
Baby Bjorn
Baby doll
White baby ski cap
Blue baby shirt

Finally, a hip pop-culture-reference costume for a bearded guy! Even if you haven’t seen The Hangover, if you can scrounge up all the above items, all you have to do if put them on and keep saying, “It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.”  People will love it!  No jokes, people are buying terrible fake beards to be this guy for Halloween.  Be glad you can one-up them with the real deal on your face.

#5: Fidel Castro

Items Needed:
Green Army fatigues
Castro Hat (of course!)
Cigar

Lastly, another easy and recognizable costume for the bearded man.  To really pull this one off, you have to have a pretty big beard; because, honestly, love him or hate him, Fidel has always had a great one.  Beyond that, it’s just a matter of putting on the right clothes and carrying that ever-present cigar.  If you could somehow borrow a friend’s old rusty 1950’s Packard and drive it around blaring revolutionary rhetoric, that would be ideal.

There you have it, my bearded friends.  A good five year’s worth of costumes.  But there’s no reason to sit around to keep on brainstorming.  Help me expand the list even more by adding your own ideas in the comment section!